Elephants…
I made a pact early on that I wouldn’t apologize for how I grieved, or how damn long I grieved, or however it felt ‘right’ to move forward into a life without Daniel. Listening for ways to weave him into my life because he still resides 1000% within my heart.
I promised myself that I would try not to hide or minimize my experience of loss in order to make someone else less uncomfortable.
But also, I promised that I wouldn’t spend too much time in the rear-view mirror, gently nudging myself forward whenever I felt that I was lingering there too long. Never wanting to lose sight of the fact that I am still here. In this still-glorious life. Determined to make the most out of it, and never take for granted how far ahead the road might stretch for myself or those I love.
It’s a balance for sure. Not holding on too tight, but also not packing it away or cutting ties with your grief just because it hurts to move forward into your unrecognizable life. As an unrecognizable you.
I had no idea how to navigate my loss, with no role model or guide. And I quickly learned that not only does our culture not understand grief and loss, but unconsciously we are trained to unknowingly shun it.
I failed often at keeping my pact as I found myself trying to make my loss more palatable for others. But it kept me curious about my experience and navigating it with authenticity as best I could.
I remembered how I [didn’t] handle my dad’s death 30 years earlier which became a reference guide for “how not to grieve”, and leaned into my inner wisdom, drawing from my ancestors and other cultures, and yes…elephants.
I can’t remember how this idea came to me, or why it brought me comfort and gave me permission to continue living bravely out in the open with my grief even when I felt so judged and un-seen. Perhaps I was reading a book about elephants. How they carry the bones of their relatives for a very long time. How they collectively grieve their loved ones.
So whenever I feel tempted to pack up my grief to make someone feel better. Even still, 7 years later. I remember the elephants, and say to myself...
“Stella, elephants grieve. And so can you.”
xo
